AntiPosthumous

Soap Opera Living

2009-12-05T15:40:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow will be new, and though similar, it will not be today or yesterday.

I have come to hold a new perspective on life, that has brought meaning to what I fear may be meaningless. Though the Nihlist in me believes this life, this world, everything is meaningless, pointless, and the like, I have still managed to find meaning and purpose for life.

There is little in this life that we know for sure. Often, when discussing the nature of faith, it is mentioned that to some extent we take everything on faith. Not just God, mythology or superstitions, but everything. We find it hard to fully accept that everything is what we say it is and how we say it is, and we take most everything on faith more than on knowledge. For example, I don't necessarily know there are elephants in Africa, because I have not been to Africa, nor seen the elephants that I've been told are there. The reality is that I've been told they're there, so I am taking the fact that elephants are in African on an element of faith. That is, I have faith in what I've been told.

I have discovered, for want of a better word, that there is one thing I know. There is one thing that I do not have to take on faith. There is one thing that I am guaranteed. One fact is the necessary element that gives meaning to my life, this life, anyone's life and existence: This is the ONE life we know we're getting.

I don't know that I'll get an afterlife, and as I've expressed here before, I don't really want an afterlife. I don't know that I'll be reincarnated. I don't know that I'll come back as an apparition and haunt the Earth, only to be bothered by ghost hunters and "mediums."

What do I know? I know that I am here now (although some might even wish to debate that). I know that this is what is happening, and I know that I am getting only so many birthdays, holidays, New Years. I know I am getting only so many wedding anniversaries with my husband. Only so many years in my 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. I know that I've got this life. At least I've got this one life.

This approach has given more meaning to my life than religion and, yes, even love has done. Acknowledging that while it has it's most depressing moments, this life won't happen again that I know of. I only know it's going to happen now, whether I work with it or against it, bitch about it or am grateful. This is the one time I get to be married to my husband, to be what I want to be, see what I want to see, learn what I want to learn, and do what I want to do. I don't know that I won't get another chance to try again at something or have another life on Earth or some where else. I don't know that this is the only one I'm getting. I just know it's the only one I know I'm getting.

Maybe it is meaningless. Maybe there's no reason to be here, there's no reason to love or cry or wish or pray or sleep or dream. This life may be as meaningful to the universe as an ant hill in the Amazon is to me at this point in time, but in the end, it's the only one I know I'm getting. Sounds pretty meaningful. As if Michaelangelo only painted once in his lifetime, or Mark Twain only wrote once and never again. This is my once in a life time, this life. This is the one I've got, and I'm going to do with it as it deserves: Live to the fullest of my ability, because as far as I know I've only got one life to live.

Reiteration

2009-05-05T11:20:00.004-05:00

The following is mostly a reiteration of previous blogs I've posted regarding my feelings and beliefs on the after life. I wrote this piece in response to a web forum topic. It is a bit more thought out and perhaps a bit clearer than any other after life piece I've written so far. Enjoy!

I believe that in order for there to be an after life the consciousness must survive the brain's death.

I believe this can happen, but is rare.

I believe that one's expectations of death may dictate the initial stages of consciousness processing death, but that eventually the strength of the consciousness will fade, and eventually die too. Kind of like dreaming, the length of time that you are dreaming is much shorter than how it feels to you inside the dream. That is, while dreaming you could pass through days and it feels that days are passing by, but in reality you've only been dreaming for maybe a few hours. Therefore, a consciousness will continue after the death of the brain if the consciousness 1. acknowledges the death of the person, and 2. the consciousness has after life expectations. If the consciousness expects nothing after death, then perhaps blackness will come and there will be no more thoughts. If the consciousness does have expectations for an after life, such as heaven or hell, then the consciousness may spend time essentially dreaming up these expectations, but inevitably the strength will fade, and the consciousness will die out; thus, ending the after life/dream, at which point perhaps blackness will come and there will be no more thoughts. Furthermore, if the consciousness does not acknowldge the person's death or is some how unaware (sudden death would cause this), then I figure the consciousness would continue in a more solid state such as a ghost or the like.

My problems with the afterlife are this:

1. If the consciousness can survive the death of the brain, the possibilities beyond death, for the consciousness, are numerous - perhaps infinite.

2. I do not believe the consciousness can survive the death of the brain, which creates a problem for me, because I do believe in ghosts* and spiritual paranormal activity. If I do believe in ghosts, but not a consciousness that's capable of surviving a dead brain, then what are ghosts?

3. If I believe in ghosts, then ghosts must be made up of an energy source. Does consciousness have an energy source? If so, then a consciousness that's survived a dead brain could very well create or manifest as a ghost.

4. If consciousness is made up of energy, then it must survive the death of the brain, because energy can be neither destroyed or created.

5. If consciousness is made up of energy, and therefore cannot be destroyed (die completely and end thought processes), there must be an after life, or there is a greater possibility for reincarnation.

6. With all of 3 - 5 (roughly) understood, it would seem consciousness either is or is not made up of energy. If consciousness is made up of energy, then it cannot be created; therefore, consciousnesses are not created at birth or conception, but rather they are always in existence. It isn't an issue that none of us have memories of conscious existence prior to birth (or several years after for that matter), because memories require brain function, indeed brain matter, which is not present prior to conception or birth. Therefore, the consciousness would have to exist prior to bodily conception, which again opens up numerous possibilities for at what point in time space does a consciousness exist prior to birth (or after death for that matter). With this premise (consciousness exists prior to birth and after death because it consists of energy which is constant with regards to existence), there is a strong inclination for me personally to believe in reincarnation more than any other theory.

So, while I have my preferred beliefs, that is, what I'd like to believe, there are still real problems that I feel I cannot reconcile. When it comes down to it, what I'd like to believe is that this consciousness offers not enough to continue on posthumously, and therefore consciousness ends, all thoughts end, etc. with the death of the brain. I can hope, right?

*By "believe in ghosts" I simply mean I believe they can and do exist.

More memory please...

2009-04-16T20:51:00.003-05:00

"Shit, I know that guy. He's a nihilist..." The Dude

It's entirely possible that all my urges to distance myself and detach from the world are merely the result of my extensive laziness. 'Whether it's easier to have friends than to not' is a question answered by the degree of laziness I can maintain with said friends. Sometimes, sure I'm more interested than not. Other times, I even get overwhelmed by the need to just chat like a gossip queen whose jaw is unhinged and constantly flapping something 'semi-' to 'just not amusing'. Perhaps it's just my over thinking the topic, but it seems I have a default, and that default is 'underwhelmed.' Ironically enough, given the need to play Chatty Cathy. Hell, I could put on a decent show, stage her up, Cathy with tons of blue eye shadow, and drawn on brows. I could embrace an acting role or two, why not?

Meh.

The shiny distracting object is my lethargy.

Not to suggest apathy, necessarily, I just don't mind the idea of trying about 60%, about 60% of the time. I sometimes feel like "part-timin'" this shit. Life is silly and complicated all at the same time. Don't you hate that? It's simple yet frustrating, what the hell? Sure I could jump waves, throw caution to the wind and run naked through my successful future with millions of dollars at my finger tips, but those rich folks complain too much about how hard they had to work. Forget that! I'm okay with a, "don't piss on my rug, and I won't... well I just won't do anything... F. it." kind of life.

Revenge is too much work, and Heroes is on tonight.

***

If one more person suggests I'm stressed out, I might have to do something substantial like blink. Think of the family dog finding a spot on the carpet near the sofa. He spins in his circles to find the best moment to plop down to comfort, and that's all I'm doing. I'm not trying to see this world as something super meaningful, but it is. I want there to be nothing at the end of this life. I want it to be nothing. However, I get this feeling all the time that says there will have to be something. "Energy can be neither created or destroyed," and I often wonder if our consciousness really could envelop it's own energy force. I suppose I can only hope not. The social constructs I've grown with tell me that's a strange way to feel, but I do. Perhaps my soul has a death wish, but my gut says, "thanks, but no thanks." I once theorized it was an old spirit that sought a more permanent ending. Something tells me reincarnated spirits might get a little tired of the process over time. Don't you think? However, all of that is to imply that I have an 'old spirit', and to declare such a thing seems awfully arrogant.

Excuse me while I lackadaisically adjust my tiara.

This seemingly manic induced rambling was originally intended as a discussion on my lack of collected photography of my life. I just don't think I ever embraced the concept of keepsaking my life. I don't know if it's just an aversion to nostalgia, which seems unlikely, or if I simply don't care. Surely I care, but I do have this interesting manner of criticizing believers in an afterlife for their always looking forward and never keepsaking the life we have right now, and here I am musing that I feel uninterested in memorizing the details of my past. Am I any different? If I'm not trying to capture moments in the present, because I don't value keepsaking my past, then one could argue I'm doing the same. I'm looking forward in hopes for some kind of finite ending. I am insisting that this world mean very little, when I've bashed others for not taking care of our here and now. How hypocritical.

The window to the confessional just isn't hiding enough this evening.

Maybe we're all nihilists, and life really is meaningless.

Faithless: label-less

2009-04-05T19:24:00.012-05:00

[4 of 4]

Wiki it.

I started this blog around the time that I was struggling with my parents accepting that I'm no longer a believer. I needed an outlet. I needed a place that allowed me to voice my thoughts without judgment or prejudice. As I started to drift into what I can only call an oblivion of ideas on god, spirituality, nature, the supernatural, etc., I found the possibilities are vast. I'm sure, that I'm no first discoverer of this fact. The possibilities are mind-boggling to say the least.

The "labels" as I call them are varying. Rest assured people, there's a theological -ism out there for each and every one of you! *phew* I'm sure many of you are relieved. Even to some extent, I'm relieved.

I spent quite a bit of time on Wikipedia (the poor man's e-Britannica) reading and pondering over the different theological discussions of human time. I finally figured out that Agnosticism was not what I meant when originally attempting discussion with my parents. I did feel that I had come to a point of relating with Agnosticism, but something still seemed presumptuous about it. Yes, presumptuous, even arrogant. Not to mention that there's five or so different types of Agnosticism, according to Wikipedia. I simply did not feel that to say "there could or could not be a god" was humble enough.

Humility became a factor for me as I felt more and more that nature, or even "mother nature" was something so much more complex and mysterious beyond human comprehension, that I wondered: Could our brains even come close to producing any sort of accurate idea for the definition or characterization of "god"? I felt simply insignificant and gravely minute in the grand scheme of Nature, and everything that encompasses our word that is beyond our current (or permanent) understanding. It seemed obvious to me how meaningless our actions, priorities, and simple concepts (creating god in our own image, etc.) regarding life and the supernatural seemed to be. There are many ways for me to go on and on about how nihilist I felt and still do at times, but for this moment I'll stop with: insignificant. It seemed to me that it was of utmost importance to see myself and the rest of the human race as insignificant. Especially were a 'god' to exist.

That is where I came upon 'Ignosticism'. In my eagerness to humble my human ego, and take a step back so-to-speak, Ignosticism made more sense than any other 'label' I'd come across. To quote Wikipedia, Ignosticism: "the theological position that every other theological position (including agnosticism) assumes too much about the concept of God and many other theological concepts." Hurray! for succinct rejection of millennia of egocentric human history!

"I don't know what you mean when you say 'God exists...'"

And I don't think I ever will.

Ignosticism, in a way, is the only label that seemed to suggest what I'd been feeling, that it's too arrogant of us to assume we could know if there is or isn't a god. However, as that leaves it rather close to Agnosticism, the English Major in me loves where Ignosticism leads to next: (Per Wikipedia)

The first view is that a coherent definition of God must be presented before the question of the existence of God can be meaningfully discussed. Furthermore, if that definition cannot be falsified, the ignostic takes the theological noncognitivist position that the question of the existence of God (per that definition) is meaningless. In this case, the concept of God is not considered meaningless; the term "God" is considered meaningless.

For many with whom I've tried to discuss the topic of faith, and thus introduce my "label", it's simply silly. They feel it's nit picky to put so much significance on the words in order to nullify the entire discussion. Though that's not exactly what I seek to do, as I do enjoy the discussion (and all it's variances) very much, I simply want the significance of definition and characterization of the word 'god' to be acknowledged. The best way I've come to explain it is that if you were to ask one of my Japanese friends what "God" is, she might have a completely different response than what one of my Christian friends might claim. Similarly, if I were to ask a Lutheran some characteristics of God, they might have several that are contrasting, or even in opposition to those that might be put forth by a Southern Baptist. These are the reason why I feel the discussion of it all is rather useless.

Even though I've found this label that allows me a stance that I feel requires others to take pause and to consider another approach, I don't know if I really want an -ism for myself. I want spirituality to be an individual, personal experience. I want religion to be what one makes of it (or what one does not wish to make of it). I want us to all accept that what we do know is that we're all here and involved in the human experience. No one could pin point what that means exactly, but we all know we're living it. I want everyone to let go of 'black and white', 'wrong and right' ideas, and see the world in a more complex, tinted shade that it is, which is more gray. The best thing we could all do is accept that the only absolute truth is that there are no absolute truths, and with that, find freedom in our world to explore and accept things that we might not understand. I don't believe we have to understand it all in order to accept that there is something there that's unexplainable. I also don't believe that because we see something as unexplainable is to suggest we shouldn't keep exploring all options with regards to these phenomena.

We all have the world ahead of us to explore and find new and evolving meanings in our lives. I find it acutely frustrating that so many in our society actively choose to not look around, and to not explore. In our human desire for contentedness, we give up on our true spirituality by simply suggesting, "God did it." I believe that is one of the saddest things to witness in my fellow humanoids around me. We could be so much more than the religious doctrines, dogmas, rules, etc. that we've wrapped our selves up in. Surely we would want to accept reason and logic, as opposed to have this extreme trait of faith, which requires a lack of reason and logic altogether. So I suppose I am suggesting,

"Everyone was born with logical and reasoned responses to the world. Everyone."

Where God, Jesus, the Pope, or Mohammed come into it, I will never be sure.

Faithless: convert-less

2009-04-02T13:09:00.006-05:00

[3 of 4]

I felt overwhelmed enough to cry, standing in a Lutheran Church of my husband's family. I wanted to run out of that place and fall into a desperate tantrum of rejection. I had been a very active member of my church as a teen. I was often leading youth events, writing youth group event blips in the church bulletin, etc. I truly thought I knew what it was to be Christian. I knew that other denominations had more rituals. I knew there were other approaches, but what all of that really meant, I was a fool. What it was like to go to those churches, was a vague understanding at best. Not to mention that I had gone to a Catholic Mass, and Rosary before, but because I had no one around expecting me to know what was happening, I was comfortable with it.

'How do they know what to say and when??' ; 'Is he READING a prayer??'

The concept of speaking out loud during worship service wasn't entirely foreign to me. Grandma Lilian, the little black lady of our small town church, would speak out during the preacher's sermon almost every Sunday. Her, "tell 'em preacher," and "MMhmm" was always acceptable, but it was because we knew she was simply moved by the word, and compelled to encourage our spiritual leader in his gospel. The difference between this "speaking out" and the Lutheran chant and response was very confusing for me. Mainly, because all at once, and to me seemingly randomly, everyone in the entire room said the same thing. I began to notice the cues in the words of the pastor, and came to realize it was those cues that kept the congregation on their toes, but what of me? I had no idea what the cues were, and if the pastor spoke them, it was only after there had been a response that I knew I should have been responding in the first place. The whole situation made me feel like a stationary chicken with my head cut off. The amount of confusion that welled inside of me was so encompassing that I could not contain my tears.

"I can go to a Lutheran church in Tanzania and though I don't know the language, I know the church service. It's comforting to me."

Well it sure isn't for me. I found comfort from my position in a pew, when the pastor said something that moved me from inside. I found comfort in the outpouring of happiness and praise as our church stood in song and worship. I never really thought about a church service being so complicated I'd need a guide book just to follow along. There were always bulletins at the churches I'd attended. The bulletins gave a kind of outline for the service: First the introduction, a scripture reading (with the scripture document for you to find it in your bible ahead of time), a call for prayer requests followed by prayer, a period of worship that involved joyous singing, clapping and the sort, eventually the sermon, offering, and once a month communion. The order of things could vary, but the bulletin kept me on track of what was going to happen next.

It seems this kind of bulletin which helped me stay on track was actually in the minds of all the responding Lutherans in the room. Where do I get their knowledge? I wondered. Am I going to have to attend some sort of conversion school just to know what's going on at my husband's family's churches? All of these thoughts were suddenly flooding my mind, along with the frustration of having no clue what was going on, when to sit, when to stand, when to pray, when to respond, when to sing, and what to sing. The confusion I felt was real, but the spirituality of it all, was not such a real feeling for me. I felt like everyone in the room was depressed. Their expressions seemed egregious to me, and I felt pity for everyone as they chanted. Their prayers were not from their pastor or clergy's heart, but from some book. Some book that wasn't the Bible. Some book that meant absolutely nothing to me. Well, it meant nothing to me up until that point. At that point that book took on some kind of role of separator. That book was the marker of everything I knew nothing about. That book was evil to me.

"I guess I just felt like there was something missing. I didn't really see anyone 'moved by the spirit of the Lord.' Ya know?"

If it weren't for my father-in-law having a background similar to my experiences with Christianity, I think I could feel mighty alien in this new family I married into.

***

Faithless: deny-less

2009-03-30T12:50:00.009-05:00

[2 of 4]

Sitting across from my mother in a Perkins Family Restaurant, I tried, in my very early stages of spiritual exploration, to explain how empty Christianity felt to me. How lacking in spirituality it seemed. I felt compelled to embrace nature, including the supernatural, and everything between, and the restrictions of religious doctrine, specifically Christianity, felt like a noose around my very curious mind. With the expectations of religion's faith, I felt strangled from the freedom I'd found with the loss of faith. I needed to explore my world - beyond the boarders of America. Beyond a population that's 80% Christian. Beyond the edges of my continent, planet, and even beyond our Milky Way. I was so eager to discover beyond all the realms of thought that I had been trapped within. I wanted more. I wanted there to be collective consciousness. I wanted there to be spirituality that involved the most magical of ideas. I wanted Harry Potter and fantastic creatures to have existed, just on another planet, in another galaxy, just waiting for me to explore far enough to find it all.

"I think I'm more Agnostic than anything right now."

What I was thinking at the time was, as I now know, 'deist'. I was really just trying to express the separation I had recently experienced, but my dad didn't have a clue what "Agnostic" meant. He said "what's that!?" My mother tried to explain that it means there may not be a God. He just shook his head and said "whatever." Well whatever it was, it wasn't what I thought it was. When I said the word 'agnostic' I had attributed it to some kind of religious theory. Well okay, sure. What I was trying to say was that I didn't know what I believed anymore. But it seems when it comes to religious discussion, people understand labels. So I tried to give myself a label that showed the separation. This conversation on my beliefs was just as much a failure as any other discussions of this nature I've tried to have with my parents.

Riding in the backseat of my parents Suburban, some how we got on the topic of non-believers. My father was going on and on about how he just can't imagine not believing. I was trying to explain that it's quite simple, if you just let your mind settle into the idea. He commanded, "But you believe it." I started to protest, frustrated that we'd been here and had this discussion, but he had obviously put it out of sight, out of mind. He then interrupted me to get the answers he was sure he'd get, "You believe in Jesus..." Half statement, half question. "You believe that the Lord is your savior."

"I believe Jesus existed and was crucified."

My dad further tried to clarify that his daughter surely wasn't getting to a point that he wasn't prepared to imagine (again, as we had had the talk before). My mother said to my father to just "drop it."

Yes, drop it. Drop it right into the oblivion of denial. I understand why it's so hard for my parents to see their daughter as a non-believer. I understand the urge to save me. I was once there. I was once a believer. I gave testimony and spoke with complete strangers about Jesus. I know what their fears are, their certain demise for me, I know of it all. I understand, and though sometimes I wish they'd just let me be, sometimes I wish they'd just tell themselves, 'it's her choice,' I know that just won't happen. When they imagine me as a non-believer quite literally flames rise up around their only daughter. They can hear my cries in the distance and the vision of me engulfed in God's wrath causes them to shudder from deep inside.

As I journey further and further away from my prior belief system, the one my parents still hold on to, I find it harder and harder to not judge a Christian or other wise religious person as simple minded and blind. I don't like the idea of judging religious people, as I don't like the idea of them judging me for not being religious. This, I believe, will be a struggle for me for the rest of my life.

"Everyone is born with the desire to know Christ," My father said, "Everyone."

***

Faithless: step one

2009-03-29T16:56:00.007-05:00

[1 of 4]

"You can't put your faith in anything man says."

During my first summer as a college student, I took a Cultural Geography class. This class, marks the point at which I started out on my journey away from God, the Church, Christianity, and overall religion. Most specifically, it was the discussion of the Dome of the Rock that really set it all in motion.

This rock is seen by both Judaism and Islam as a sacred location. For the Jews, it is this location that the Holy of Holies of the Jewish Temple supposedly rested. For Muslims, it is from this location that Mohammed traveled upward into Heaven on his Night Journey. In this moment of the class lecture, I found myself dumbstruck. It baffled me, for whatever reason, that these two different religions could share the same sacred location. Suddenly I thought, maybe they worship the same God. Maybe there isn't more than one God, maybe he's the same God to everyone.

Though I still sometimes entertain this theory, more important to this piece, it was the fact that I was expanding my thoughts on God that really fueled my journey away from it all. It wasn't until I let go of my very black and white stance on things. It wasn't until I had entertained other ideas about God and religion, that I was able to further let go of the shackles of Christian doctrine.

It was within moments of this class lecture that I allowed my faith to slip between the cracks of questions and explorations of what else there is to the idea of 'spirituality' and 'religion'. I remember the building, room, and even the seat I sat in on my University campus. This moment was pivotal to the development of my beliefs. I don't think many devout religious people could claim to know the very freeing, open feeling that came with this allowance of my faith to slip away. The logical side of me had suddenly blossomed and I was quite literally a new person in many aspects of my personal thought processes. Many ways of thinking which I had never given credence to before were officially valid options of exploration. It was very much like I had the whole world ahead of me to learn about and discover.

***

00 - 3 mos

2009-03-25T11:15:00.004-05:00

"I'm new to this baby stuff."

She didn't look as surprised to hear it as I was hoping she would. I'm standing in a store full of stuff for babies, all stuff new to me. Having been a baby once, some 20+ years ago, things sure have changed. Regardless of the fact that I have zero memories before age 4 or 5, and I have no younger siblings, one younger cousin that I never saw beyond her age 7. Baby, infant, toddler anything brings my knowledge of the world to a screeching halt.

The thought occurred to me that my first nephew might be mildly confused why no one is paying as much attention to him as they will be spending all their time on his new born sister. Her arrival is just a day away, and I thought I could get him something, because well, he is still important. However logical, and even smart this idea may be, turns out, I'm not that clever. My husband quickly informed me that since my nephew is only 16 months old, he won't be that confused, and he definitely won't be losing much attention - he's still a toddler!

Okay, so I tried.

When my nephew was born, it was walking into the hospital the day of his birth that I realized, 'HOLY SHIT! I might have wanted to BRING something??'

Walking out of the hospital gift shop with flowers and a crisp greeting card full of love and well wishes, I felt like I had cheated. Why can't all these things just come with a manual? "What to bring when babies come." I need this book. I didn't even know how I was supposed to feel. Excited? Sure thing! Sick to my stomach, nervous, and confused? Well we can't control our emotions I always say. I just didn't realize how... grand it is to see your first nephew all bundled up with that little cap on his skull. I believe I was in a state of minor shock. Shock, that is, brought on by pure elation. He was one cute bundle of blankets with a head and stocking cap.

'Seriously, look how much he looks like a conglomeration of my big brother and his wife. Now how in the heck did that happen?' I told you, it's new to me.

Even the fact that he looked (GASP!) human was enough to confuse the bloody everything out of me. I just didn't have this experience, and I had been in the delivery room once! That's right, I had been in the room, watched the baby come out of my friend like some kind of miracle of blue, white, and blood. Even still I found myself fully unprepared for the love, joy, and excitement I had over this little person that is my nephew. Sometimes I still get a bit shocked by how well I recognize the boy. I mean, I have some facial memory issues. It doesn't surprise me when I don't recognize someone, but that nephew of mine.. I'll never forget his face, his waddle, his swaying to the music from his toys. To think I've only seen him on a handful of occasions! I am missing out on so much more, for sure.

The coming of his sister, my first niece, is truly a bitter sweet event for me. I know that though I'll get to see her beautiful baby face tomorrow when she's brought into this world, I also know that I probably won't get to see her or hold her again for many months. What a sadness no one prepared me for either.

"Well I have to get the onesie with the pretty pink hearts..."

It wasn't but a year ago that I even found out what a 'onesie' is! It's like you can live on this planet. You can grow in this world. You can experience being a baby. Yet, you'll never know just what family is about. You can't understand why the bonds are so important. No, I don't believe I appreciated family quite like I do now. Now, when I think of my husband and I moving away, even further than we already are... I don't know if I can bare it. I have never, ever valued family the way I do now. To think of leaving them all behind is a heart breaking thought to be sure. Yes it seems to me that family is much more important once you've matured some, and with that I must say:

This family stuff is new to me.

Blog for Choice '09

2009-01-22T09:56:00.006-06:00

Today is the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Today, I want to talk about the topic of ProChoice, and what it means to me.

In the TV show STAR TREK, there are often beings (either of a different race, or even androids), that have little to no emotions, and for the most part base their thought processes and decisions on logic. There are often scenarios that result in one of these beings choosing to sacrifice himself so that multiples of others may live. The logic there being: It is more logical to lose one life (no matter the significance of that one life) to save a multitude of others.

I love to look at the ProChoice issue through the eyes of these logic driven souls. Mainly I enjoy this approach because it allows angles that so many people today CHOOSE to be ignorant of: overpopulation, poverty stricken nations of the world, and orphaned children of the world. These three things, to me, are key components to the discussion of ProChoice/ProLife, yet, they are often used in the discussion as side notes or tangents. I like to focus on them and I'll explain why.

These issues are either problems that we'll only have to face in the very distant future, they are problems that are taking place in lands distant from where we live right now, or they are simply not an issue because they seemingly don't affect us.

"I'm not too worried about over population, because we'll find the space, the jobs, and the waste disposal solution sometime down the road... Let's not worry about it now." Perhaps not in those words, but you get the thought process.
"I'm not too terribly worried about poverty stricken nations of the world because it isn't my fault those people were born in Africa, China, etc. It isn't my fault they're over there and I can't really help them." It isn't your fault that guy on the TV with all the starving children just isn't convincing enough for you to give.
"I'm not really worried about orphaned children. It's an issue that's always been around, there will always be orphan children, and I can't save everyone." OR "I can have my own children, and some people cant. Those that can't should be the ones to take on orphan children." If you can create more children for you to take care of, who cares about the ones that don't have anyone.

If we look at my earlier example of sacrificing one life to save multitudes, we can use it in application of these scenarios. It would be better for us to sacrifice the option of having more children, when our planet is already over populated. Our planet will not be able to sustain the amount of people we ALREADY have... So why add to it? Especially when we have the OPTION to not add to it?

If we have the option to help feed, clothe, and educate the masses of people in poverty stricken nations, by providing funds for sponsorship, why wouldn't we? Because we're saving for our own children's college fund? What if we had just thought about the previous problem of over population? All those funds going to yet another person on the planet that can't support that person, all those funds could have gone to someone whose life would never ever involve more food than one meal a day, a place to use the restroom that's clean and clear of malaria, a school to educate them so they can improve their nation's struggle. What does it matter to have ONE child in your home that lives a happy, healthy, educated life, when there are MASSES of children who will never have such things? Where's the logic?

Finally, where's the logic in having another child, despite over population, despite the poor of the world, and more importantly despite the multitude of children that are orphaned every day? The many children that grow up in state systems, foster homes, or are growing up in the poverty stricken nations previous discussed? What of them?

It isn't just about logic either, seeing as we're humans, and we do have emotions. What of the ethical and moral implications we display, when we refuse to address these issues I've raised? What does that say of a nation so powerful, rich, and seemingly capable of so much?

I believe it says we're threatened by our own ability to succeed and make waves in the world. We'd like to think we're humble, but we're selfish. We hope that there is an afterlife in which we will be rewarded for raising a child that will love others, while ignoring millions of childrens that love others without ever knowing the kind of care and luxury of America. Our children are selfish like us, because we show them no better role model.

Sponsor a child in a Tibetan village of north India, and find what it is to truly CHOOSE love, choose life, and choose something better for our world.

Just sayin'

2008-08-03T07:19:00.004-05:00

This isn't the world American's are watching:

Dozens killed, injured in Iraq bombings

Dozens of people were killed or injured Sunday after a wave of bombings in Iraq.

15 killed, 90 wounded in car bombing in northern Iraq

At least 15 people were killed and 90 wounded Wednesday when a car bomb exploded in a popular outdoor market in northern Iraq, a police official said.

Bombings kill 11 in northern Iraq

Bombs killed 11 people Monday in northern Iraq, where U.S. and Iraqi troops continue to battle al Qaeda in Iraq militants, police said.

American grad student dies in Iraq

An American graduate student who went to Iraq to find ways to help ordinary citizens persevere in a transitioning government was one of two American civilians killed in a Sadr City bombing.

Bombs kill 20 as sheikhs meet, 18 near market

Bombers on Thursday killed at least 20 people west of Baghdad and at least 18 people in northern Iraq.

Iraq Suicide Bomber Kills 16

A female suicide bomber struck near a government compound northeast of Baghdad on Sunday, killing at least 16 people

Female suicide bomber strikes soccer fans in Iraq

A female suicide bomber in northern Iraq targeted buoyant soccer fans who had just watched their national team win a big match against China, authorities told CNN.

Female suicide bombers target pilgrims, rally

Four female suicide bombers and a gunman killed at least 70 people and wounded almost 300 others during a string of attacks in central Baghdad and Kirkuk on Monday, officials said.

Twin attacks kill Iraqi army recruits

Two suicide bombers detonated explosives-laden vests, one after the other, outside an Iraqi army base Tuesday north of Baghdad, killing at least 28 people and wounding 55 others, officials said.

Scores die in wave of attacks in Afghanistan

Nine U.S. troops were killed Sunday in an attack on a base in a remote province of eastern Afghanistan, a Western official said.

Sounds of blasts reported in Pakistani city

Residents reported hearing two explosions Monday morning in the Pakistani city of Rawalpindi, which is home to the army's headquarters, police said.

Car bomb kills at least 51 Iraqis, official says

In one of the deadliest attacks in Baghdad in months, at least 51 Iraqis were killed and 75 were wounded Tuesday in a car bombing, an Iraqi Interior Ministry official said.

Taliban suicide bomber kills 12 in Afghan market

A suicide bomber walked up to a police convoy in a crowded market in southwestern Afghanistan and detonated explosives Thursday, killing 12 people and wounding 26 others, officials said.

Iraq: al-Qaeda Blamed for Bombings

The US military blamed al-Qaeda in Iraq for a double suicide bombing that killed at least 35 people during a wedding procession in a town northeast of Baghdad

Female suicide bomber kills 3 at checkpoint in Iraq

A female suicide car bomber attacked an Iraqi security forces checkpoint in eastern Baghdad on Sunday, killing at least three Iraqis and wounding 14, an Interior Ministry official said.

Suicide bombers, explosions rock Iraq

Three suicide bombers and a car bomb in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul on Saturday capped off a day of nationwide violence that left at least 15 people dead and 94 wounded, police and Iraqi officials said.

Suicide Bomb Kills 16 in Afghanistan

A suicide attack in front of a mosque in southwestern Afghanistan killed 16 people and wounded more than 30 others on Thursday

Bombings kill at least 60 in Iraq

A wave of bombings blamed on al Qaeda in Iraq shook Baghdad and three provincial capitals Tuesday, killing at least 60 people and wounding more than 100 across Iraq.

Two blasts in Iraq kill eight U.S. troops

Two bombings in separate Iraq provinces on Monday killed eight U.S. troops, the U.S. military said

Suicide bombers kill 5 in Pakistan

Twin suicide bombers set off explosives at a naval college in Pakistan Tuesday, killing at least five other people and wounding at least 16, one critically, the government said.

Pakistan attacks hit aid group, military HQ

Gunmen fired on a children's aid group in Pakistan's tribal region Monday, leaving three staffers dead and at least one critically injured, the organization said.

Israeli Bomber Strikes Nuke Town

A suicide bomber blew himself up Monday in the southern town that houses Israel's secretive nuclear reactor, killing an Israeli woman and wounding seven other people

Was Al-Qaeda Behind Beirut Bombing?

The murder of a top Lebanese anti-terror investigator raises fears of heightened activity by al-Qaeda-related groups

Iraq official: 3 suicide bombers at large in Anbar after blast

U.S. planes bombarded al Qaeda in Iraq safe havens on the southern outskirts of Baghdad on Sunday, hours after a suicide bomber carrying explosives in a candy box killed six people in Anbar province.

Lahore suicide bomb blast kills 23

A suicide bomber killed at least 23 people and injured more than 58 others after detonating an explosive outside a court in Lahore on Thursday, police said.

Pakistan bombings reach 'unprecedented' level

Samina Rajput speaks in hushed tones about her husband, Asif, who was killed alongside former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto in the December 27 attack that convulsed the nation.

Fears Deepen after Pakistan Bombing

A deadly suicide bombing in Lahore breaks a two-week lull in the troubled nation and could be a harbinger of more to come

Suicide car bomb kills 25 in Iraq

Dozens of people picking up cylinders of cooking gas were victims of a suicide car bomb attack Tuesday morning in the northern Iraqi city of Baiji.

Suicide bomber hits bus in Pakistan

A suicide bomber's attack on a bus near Rawalpindi early Monday wounded the bus driver and five children, a Pakistani military spokesman said.

Taliban Bombings Rock Kabul

Three attacks in four days highlight the deteriorating security situation in the Afghan capital as ordinary Afghans find themselves increasingly in the crosshairs

Bomb hits gathering of sheiks opposing al Qaeda

At least two people were killed and six were wounded south of Baghdad on Wednesday when bombers targeted a gathering of sheiks opposed to al Qaeda in Iraq, police in Babil province said.

24 die in Iraq peace meeting blast

A suicide bombing in Iraq's volatile Diyala province ripped through a "reconciliation meeting" on Monday night attended by Sunni and Shiite militia leaders -- a brazen attack that killed and wounded dozens and fractured an effort to foster amity between the rival sects.

"Everyone scream it to get out of trouble!"

2008-07-19T05:21:00.002-05:00

Written: October 16, 2007

Nothing is illegal when done in the name of NATIONAL SECURITY. Steal my privacy, my information, my life, all in the name of NATIONAL SECURITY.

I feel like I'm standing in a long line of idiots willingly bent over in the name of NATIONAL SECURITY.

Not that I think National Security isn't worth cautious actions. Not that National Security isn't important to our survival as a nation when confronted with hostile enemies. When it comes down to it, the government making a phone company feel compelled to hand over information in "emergency" situations, is no different than an elderly person falling for a CON ARTIST suggesting if they don't act now, something bad could happen. This is especially complicated when it's not just some guy off the street with a name tag on and a briefcase in hand, we're talking about government officials saying, "we need this information, now, or buildings could blow up....," "we need this information now , or this person could catch a flight out of the US."

I don't blame businesses for feeling compelled to hand over information to our government in the name of NATIONAL SECURITY. I have a problem with officials in our government feeling that this is an acceptable step to take, attempt, etc. This is not acceptable behavior. This is the same as CONNING someone into going against their principles. Normally, people don't take to handing out cash to a stranger that approaches them in their front yard, but when the stranger makes a very good case for such actions, one can let down their guard and go against their rationale. HOW IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT FROM A BUSINESS FEELING COMPELLED TO HAND OVER INFORMATION, GOING AGAINST THEIR PRINCIPLES (PRIVACY STATEMENTS/AGREEMENTS) ALL IN THE NAME OF WHAT??? I'll let you answer.

I'm no conspiracy theorist, and if you think I am then you're ignorant and the whole reason why I'm stuck, bent over, letting American Democracy have another ride on my behalf. I'm sick of giving up my rights for (what seems to be baby boomers) people that would rather huddle in their homes, scared of the boogeyman. THIS IS NOT AMERICA. If you're scared, go buy a gun - it's part of our rights as citizens. If you're scared, get involved in your neighborhood watch, join a racist group against any and all Muslims - these are your RIGHTS. It's a shame I feel scared to even say these things, considering it's our RIGHT to FREE SPEECH. If you're scared, think about this. Our nation's money is being funneled into useless spending DAILY. Just because they say something costs billions does not mean we HAVE billions. Just because you own a $50,000 car does not mean you HAVE $50,000!! Our country is going to run out of money. The real kickers is that when we do run out of money no one will be able to save themselves, well maybe 1% will - guess who they are (hint: ask your president who this 1% is...) The frightening part that causes me to lose sleep is the MINUTE FRACTION of Americans that save money. Tack on the fact that on average for every $1 earned by an American, they spend $1.20. I'm an English major, I'll let you guys do the math.

If OBAMA isn't our next president, then I'll guarantee you one thing: a rich, already corrupt person will be president. President of a rich, corrupt government. You know all that richness and corruption is all in the name of...

I need a drink.

~Dai

They speak with their shovels

2008-06-21T05:09:00.003-05:00

While arguing with my husband about something so very trivial, I realized he was speaking, with a shovel. That is to say, he was already neck deep in this large hole, created by his words. Digging and digging, creating this massive crater of bad excuses, bad decisions, etc. he spoke with a shovel. I kept thinking, "if he'd just shut up and accept what's wrong here," maybe then he could stop digging a bigger hole to climb out of.

We've all felt as if we were speaking to someone who could only continue to dig themselves a larger and larger hole. I know it isn't just a male thing to do. I've done it myself. You start talking, things seem fine, then sentence by sentence, claim after claim, stammer upon stammer, there you are. Stuck in a hole.

When all we'd like to do is speak with precise prose, that in no way acts as a shovel, but more as a bridge, the more we find ourselves neck deep. Perhaps, in the way that our emotions tend to bury us, so do our words when spewed into the air as a reaction to our feelings. Emotional tongue set out to dig, and dig. With any task or project, it is your tools that help you create, develop, and destroy. Such tangible concepts, I do not think we would attribute such tools to our communication. If so, perhaps, we would make better use of masonry, lesser use of dozers.

~Dai

Andrew Marion Hix

2006-09-13T19:44:00.001-05:00

When she told me she was pregnant, I was ecstatic!

Not only was I shocked from the news that 9 years of trying had paid off, but I was even shocked with the degree of my own excitement. I was every synonym for 'thrilled'.

"I'm so happy for you, so happy for you, so happy!"

Jumping up and down, literally bouncing from my joy that she was going to be a mom. If anyone deserved it, I knew it was my friend.

I dreamed of her little girl that would have matching gorgeous, hazel eyes, or those lush lips to drive the boys crazy... Her mother's genuine caring glance.Her boy was going to be a miniature version of her husband, mischievous and teasing, fun and energetic. I dreamed of my close friend and his little replica.

Their growing family filled the back of my heart and mind with such an eagerness. Counting the times I had felt such an ache for my friend, thinking she just couldn't have children, it wasn't meant to be. I felt a desperation for it to be just right. Just like they deserve, after 9 years, this is their moment for everything to be just right. Meant to be.

Maybe it was my own personal struggle that drew me to the seemingly fate-filled resolution that was my friend's pregnancy. My desire to never have children, by choice, had always been very overwhelming for me. I simply didn't argue with the urge to 'just say no'. However, my friend's pre-determined lack of choice in the matter, really made me think about what I was denying myself. What I was denying my partner.

It had never occurred to me that they were trying, had tried, or were interested in having children. I figured they didn't try, weren't interested, didn't want children. When she directly addressed the issue, I didn't realize at first what was being suggested. She confessed her feelings in such a way that it was obvious she had worked it out so long ago. It didn't scare her as you'd think it would.

In different words, she told me that she was barren as a trade off for something she had done in her past. Not so much in the 'guilty for her sins' kind of way.

I was inspired to imagine wanting to experience that myself. She gave me a new way to look at my own personal struggles with the idea of having children. When I found out she was pregnant, I felt unbelievable relief and gratitude that she no longer had to feel exiled for a love that she had lost a decade before. There was no trade off, the time just wasn't right. This time was right, in so many ways, it was right this way ten years ago.

Around the second trimester, they decided to move into the apartment right above mine. Now my dreams were full of little people feet above my head. Feet that I can visit any time. Feet that would teach me about parenthood and new life. I was going to share in the firsts. There was no better way to gain the knowledge I felt I lacked as a woman made to raise children. I felt as if my friends' baby was going to be my way of helping them, myself, my relationship, my lack of "motherly confidence", my lack of "children experience", the expectations I put on this child's life were simply disgusting for a friend to have. Perhaps endearing none-the-less.

I wanted so much to have this little person in my life. I wanted to learn everything a child could teach. I wanted to experience his/her life struggles, cheers, tears, and joys. I was going to be involved in every way I could.

On Saturday, I got the baby shower invitation a week before the event. I knew I was going soft - that diaper shaped card was freakin' adorable! I was so excited, just two more months and we'd all have a little person to play with!

The following Tuesday, I got the message from my friend's husband.

"I guess we had a kid today... Call me, or come to the hospital." He was sober, happy you could tell, but very mature. Not the usual energetic messages he normally left.

At the hospital that night, my boyfriend and I sat with my friend, drained from all the days events. From the 9:30am Dr's appointment, to the 10am emergency C-Section, followed by the 11am flying of her new born to a Children's Hospital in Oklahoma City, he was in critical condition, and my friend was critically exhausted.

"He'll be just fine! They do this all the time! This is what they do!"

Seven weeks early isn't how you want to start your child's life, but you do what you've got to do. The pictures of him in that bubble. Most children start with blankets, his was a security POD.

I was bouncing off the walls. Yay! There's a little one here, he's the answer to so many of my dreams. I was so happy for my friend, her new family, their new little person!

It never occurred to me that he could die. Not until five hours after he had.

What more did my friend have to do? Had she truly not paid her dues? Seriously? To wait nine years to have your first child. Nine years of trying, hoping, praying even when you don't pray. She didn't touch a drop of alcohol during her pregnancy. All she ate was fruit. She never touched caffeine or greasy foods. She was going to have a healthy pregnancy.

And yet they say it just wasn't meant to be.

THIS WAS MEANT TO BE. THIS was everything. This was their new life. Their new love. This was meant to be.

What more did my friend have to do? After he was delivered, his heart stopped. She watched, helpless as they brought her baby back to life. She watched him lay lifeless once already, wasn't that enough? She never held him, as they rushed him to another city, another hospital, anywhere but with her.

It wasn't until 8am Wednesday, 30 mins after he had passed, that she got to hold her beautiful baby boy for the first time.

"He had the most perfect little lips, perfect little nose, perfect eyelashes... He was perfect..." Her pain was so real, so agonizing to watch and share, so much for one person to have.

What do you do? What do you say? How do you cope? How do you move forward? How do you not think about what was supposed to happen? How do you not dream of what was going to be? His little feet above my head... They weren't going to happen? They weren't going to be there? He'd never crawl, walk, or run? Never smile, laugh or cry? He'd never be, again, ever, anymore? It wasn't meant to be? This was meant to be?

No words, Michelle. No words. I have no words that will ever express this grief. No words. No god damn words for this. No god damn reason for this. No damn anything that makes this anything than what it is.

I'm so sorry.

The casket's closed.

2006-06-17T18:01:00.002-05:00

I don't remember looking at a dead person before. I remember barely seeing the girl I was named after at 17 and a day, white, with a bright pink dress on laying still in a coffin. At least that's how I remember it.

I want to be honest here, I didn't know my grandpa that well. One would say I didn't try when I had the chance. He was my grandpa. I remember how he smiled, joked, and talked business. I remember him, I 'knew' him.

His heart attack left him fairly immobile and I didn't know what to think, do or say when visiting. I'd just look at him. Weak, damn skinny, and whimpering. He was in so much pain. I kept staring at him, coughing and choking, crying afterwards fighting the pain. I kept wondering why we were doing this to him. Why are we doing this? Why can't we let him go. How do we know this is what we should do? How do we know what to do now?

I tried to find some kind of explanation for all of these questions. My father, being a preacher, has visited so many nursing homes, hospitals, etc. I thought for sure he'd have SOME kind of useful advice.

"Why would you keep someone alive like this, knowing they're in so much pain? Why is this what has to happen?" If only there had been some way for me to prepare myself for his answer. "This is the price we pay for our sins, Dai, he's paying his dues... you know how he was, this is what he has to do to earn his way."

If I didn't know then, I sure know now that my father isn't who I should be asking for advice.

I found myself standing on one side of my grandfather, his younger sister on the other. She kept loudly repeating at him, "It's okay, Eddie, Sis is here!" I kept having this weird flash forward picturing myself at the side of my own older brother on his deathbed. Though I was having trouble hearing myself, "It's okay Travis, ...." I had to excuse myself.

What kind of mid-west hell am I living in to have my brother break the news to me that grandpa passed a few hours before, while I'm paused in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. Staring at the back of a Dodge Neon, license plate holding on by that last small screw...

I wasn't trying to be sneaky, Dad, when I didn't tell you my boyfriend, that you don't like and never will no matter what you say, and I got a HUGE speeding ticket on the way to get you ice from the closed at 4:30pm store, 15 miles away. I didn't think it was your business. Apparently the newspaper in the semi-larger town 20 miles away made sure it was yours and whoever else's. It was only half the cost of our monthly rent, no, I don't need any financial help.

Maybe since grandpa's passing I've thought more about taking better care of my relationship with my parents. Then I talk to them. Seriously? All we have to talk about is things we can never agree on? I'm trying here, but it's so hard.

I thought there was more time before the casket would be closed. I thought there'd be plenty of time to see him again, no matter how much I dreaded his stiff death being so obvious inside a box, I thought there'd be more time. I approached it, glanced in, I didn't recognize him. He looked peaceful. His hands were crossed, but some fingers were stiff and he wasn't cupping his other hand, he was stiffly poised in a "cupping fashion." I didn't think I was ready to look.

We were shooed into the back, back lobby. There was only family back there, where were all the others? The friends and community members? Through the funeral, and the speaking by various necessary and obviously unnecessary voices, all I could think about was that the casket was closed. They closed it already, I didn't get to look again, I didn't try to see him in all that make-up and white, stiffness. It's closed.

I've been thinking I need to spend more time building some kind of relationship with my family. I never thought I'd care enough, until I found out what it's like to know, you'll never see that person again - ever. How sad. I keep thinking about those times in college when Grandpa'd call and leave messages, I'd never answer, never call back. I don't want to do that to my parents, I'm so sorry I did it to Grandpa. I'll take the time, it's what I want.

What do you want to say? And can you do it?

2005-11-06T19:12:00.001-06:00

Does anyone else ever feel like people would rather talk about trivial, nonsensical, what-not instead of discussing actual issues or making out-right statements? How does anyone get anywhere when everything that's said is double talk, or is a tool for beating around the bush? Why is it that teenagers seem to be the only ones that want to talk about issues? And everyone rolls their eyes and hopes the kid will shut up before someone gets offended? Or they're assuming the teen has no wisdom on the topic they want to talk about... is it possible they have no wisdom because no one is sharing? No one is talking, no one is saying anything... maybe it isn't just teenagers that don't have "the wisdom".

People are constantly offended by the things I say and most the time it's when I say something true that kinda kicks them up-side the head and makes them think about something they didn't want to be thinking about and were hoping they could keep ignoring by having everyone else ignore it too...

Well I'm here to say that I say things dammit. I'm not afraid of the truth. The truth hurts, sometimes, sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes the truth makes us really step back and feel the ache of actualization and realization that, "damn, that's harsh.." But what always follows? "But it's true." Everyone knows the truth hurts, everyone's felt the guilt sting, truth-wrenched gut, but I think I like those feelings. I think those feelings are more real than the giggle of "mother ease" that everyone resorts to when approached by an infant. Give me your naive and sensitive, give me your easily offended, they're easy prey for truth-filled drama. But it's those that feign being OK with reality and the harshness of truth that are the first to change the subject. Or what I really love, they get defensive. Like you said something about their mother and the milkman. They just don't know how to take it besides by getting angry and feeling attacked and abused. I'll show you attacked and abused, this is just the truth, just WAIT till I get to the exaggerated fictitious rumors, JUST WAIT!

No matter where I'm going with this, I want people to say something. If you have "The Mic"... THE MIC to the world, the one that is on air for those few moments when you decide to make a statement that you feel is worthy enough to address the whole world just to make that one statement, what are you going to say? "Hi"? What do you want to share? I've gotten to the point that people seem like they don't care to share their thoughts. I'm not talking about beliefs I'm not talking about religion or Christ. I'm talking about something that you feel needs to be said, to the whole forsaken planet, what do you want to say?

Don't sit there waiting for me to say it... I don't know what I'd say, I know if I had the opportunity by god I'd say SOMETHING, but I'd venture to guess many would opt to say nothing. Nothing. They'd want to take the option that says something about them and nothing is it. Nothing is what so many people wish to say. Am I a hippy because I think I'd want to say something about peace? or love? compassion or truth? I know I'd want to say something about something, at least I'd want to, rather than take a step back, away from "The Mic" and opt with cowardess and fear.

A Recipe of Sublime Virtues

2005-10-22T03:37:00.000-05:00

What is Beauty?

Wisdom. Wisdom makes a person beautiful. Zen Buddhism embraces the understanding that age is to be respected and admired. Aged wood with its extreme bands and winding grain. Experience yields a mind of solutions. Solutions are a benefit of wisdom. Wisdom is very beautiful.

Happiness is also beautiful. Smiles are contagious and inviting. Everyone looks beautiful when smiling, everyone. Laughter begins and ends with smiles, generally, and is a sure sign of happiness. Laughter, soft and quiet, or loud and heavy, laughter touches the heart. Laughter is beautiful.

Sacrifice is beautiful. Generosity is rewarded with contempt, but the generous are always loved. What's purely loved is always beautiful. Children, mothers and siblings, we love them and they are beautiful. Giving is beautiful.

Forgiveness is beautiful. Not everyone is capable. Special in it's difficulty. Closed minds are close hearts, cold people aren't beautiful. Understanding in application is forgiveness of a friend, stranger, or loved one. Patience is beautiful.

Beauty is a concept that no two people could completely agree upon it's ingredients, but all could agree it can be a product of good or a tool of evil. Beauty can be used for deception. Beauty can come as a mask and manipulate. But Beauty is sublime in and of itself. Beauty is something, some part, some bit of each and every one of us. Beauty is a root of human nature.

The sublime is true romantic beauty. That which strikes awe in the viewer, listener, sympathizer, the observer. Overwhelming and piercing the chests of it's audience. Beauty is sublime, awe inspiring, emotion. Beauty is felt, not just seen. Beauty is overwhelming.

What is something that you want to do before you have kids?

2005-10-12T14:51:00.001-05:00

In participating with a group of friends, I've been asked to answer this question... The problem is that I don't want to have kids. I'm too bothered by the idea of financially supporting someone entirely for 18 to 25 years. They say they're out of your hands at 18 but it just isn't true. The government requires college students requesting financial aide to include a parent loan application each school year until they're 23, have a child, or are married. In other words, if your parents have good credit, the government requires them to apply for a loan to help pay for the student's college career. When I went to college I didn't want my parents to pay for anything. I wanted it all in my name and all in my debt. The government's requirement of my parents taking out a loan to help me pay for school really ticked me off. I was out of their hands and I wanted to be completely out of their hands, but that just wasn't 'allowed'. Children are a financial investment but not the kind of investment that gets stock brokers excited really, those investments generally have some kind of 'tangible' payback. Sure you get a child, your flesh and blood, something/one that you will love unconditionally, but there's not guaranteed payback from this investment. Maybe its the unpredictable nature that comes with raising a child. You simply don't know how they'll turn out. Take me and my parents, for example, they wanted a girl that wore dresses all the time, was prim and proper, soft and delicate, gentile and sweet. Instead they got me, hardheaded, strong willed, stubborn to a fault, basically completely opposite of what they wanted. They couldn't have anticipated that, they obviously didn't, anyway. What I'm saying is, no one goes out and purchases a car, any car, without looking at it, testing it out, or asking any questions. They're making a sizable financial commitment, to think they'd just tell the car salesman to have his computer randomly call up any car on their lot for them to purchase for a large amount of money with no information before hand. Well, sure, your kid is not a car. That's for sure. Kids cost way more than a car. Depending on how many you have it could be way more than one to two cars per kid... try 5 cars per kid and that's the kind of estimate one faces in having a child or children.

I'm sorry if I'm "bumming anyone out" but this is how I look at this scenario and I wish I didn't but I do. I see money signs all over the place. They spew from my air conditioner in my window. They fill the room with green money signs and start to suffocate me! There's money signs that I pump into my gas tank on my car. Money signs roll over as my car miles hit 100,000. Money is what I eat and drink, wear and use everyday. Perhaps I sound obsessed, but I've never in my life been in a situation where I just don't have to worry about money. Even growing up I was constantly confronted by my parents financial problems.

What do I want to do before I have kids? Have just one moment in my life where I don't have to worry about money. One moment where a child's love doesn't come in the form of money signs. I want to have a good career under my belt, and plenty of time to spend just focusing on a child's happiness, and financial support to make sure my children (I would want two) can both have winter coats AND the toy they saw at the store. I don't want to spoil a child, but I want to be able to afford one. I want to be able to afford myself first even!

Puppet String Dreams

2005-10-06T13:13:00.001-05:00

Me and nightmares go way back. I've had chronic bad dreams since I was very little and they still have not ceased. I'm not talking about one a month or 6 a year, I'm talking every night. I'll go through spells where I'll have nothing but bad dreams for months on end. Then there's times like the last 4 months (a rare occasion) in which I've had maybe 1 or 2 nightmares.

I'm a fairly "grounded in reality" person. I didn't ever like SciFi genre's for a VERY long time because I couldn't imagine much outside my world. My dreams were no exception to my reality strickenness. My nightmares consist of THE most horrible thing that could happen in a normal day, occurring to me in my dream, but I don't realize I'm dreaming. In fact, I never realize I'm dreaming, I always, actually, believe that what's happening in my dream is so real that I've woken up on several occasions confused as to why I am where I am. The kinds of things that will happen in my dream are scenarios such as I'm going to pay my bills, I get a flat tire, run over a child, and am punished to THE fullest extent of the law. Yet, that scenario even seems too far fetched. How about, my mother dies. In fact, my mother has died, been killed, taken away (by kidnappers and law enforcement) more times than any other reoccurring nightmare I've had. When I was young I would dream of her dying and me being left behind with my father (my ultimate nightmare). Today the dream is that my mother dies and the only person left to help my father is me. As one of my earlier posts expressed, I have some "family issues". Well, my issues have been coming back to haunt me in my dreams my entire life, and this last week was no exception.

I frequently have reoccurring dreams. Ones that follow two paths: 1) they repeat themselves twice a week to daily depending on how troubled I am by the dream or 2) they continue, like a story, starting at the beginning of a week (month) and throughout the period of time that they continue the story will play itself out. The particular reoccurring dream I've had recently is actually very troubling for me, and is following both paths. It started with my parents calling me consistently to nag me about how they think I need to get a different apartment. Now, my apartment is small, old and impossible to keep clean because it's falling apart, but it's sooo cheap and sooo close to campus that I can't imagine being able to afford anything else with such a great location and with the storage that this apt has. My parents don't seem to get that, they say they'll pay for it if they have to, when will they stop trying to pay for everything? So my first dream follows as thus:

I'm with my parents and my brother and his wife, and we're looking at apartments. Well after much aggravation that is rising in me because I just can't seem to communicate with my parents civilly, or rationally, I start to feel something in my throat. I can't understand what it is, in my dream I'm trying not to panic and my family is STILL nagging me, and I'm choking... I'm poking my finger down my throat desperate to get whatever is stuck, OUT! I'm leaning over a porch choking, gagging, heaving, throwing up and crying in my dream (I'm lucky I didn't do all this in my sleep, talk about asphyxiating on your own vomit). All the time I'm struggling with whatever is stuck in my throat my parents continue to hassle me to get a different apartment, they pause to ask if I'm okay but not long enough to find out. They don't care, and I'm choking.

So the dream comes back to haunt me a second night, a week later, this time it's changed in situation, but the choking is worse. This time the dream comes with an accompaniment of other bad dreams. One after the other I fall asleep, have a nightmare, wake up hot and on the verge of tears, I fall asleep, dream another bad dream, wake up again on the verge of tears, and then the reoccurring dream comes. This time around I have no idea what my parents are nagging me about, I can't remember, but the choking is very painful. I can feel it like there's a clamp on my esophagus and I can't make it stop. Once again I'm bent over gagging, heaving and crying and they're nagging, nagging, nagging. I can't make them or the choking stop. I'm not losing air, I can breathe fine, but there's this aching in my throat like when you need to cry but hold it back. It just burns so bad. I can't make either one stop! The first time I had the dream I really couldn't figure out what was going on or why I had the dream. What'd it mean? But this time I come with a theory that I've got something to say but can't say it. What it is I want to say, I have no idea, seeing that I've already told them about my faith/God issues (my father being a preacher this was a BIG step). What do I need to tell them?

I know I wish they'd stop trying to pay for everything. They're constantly wanting to buy me clothes and house stuff. They want to pay my rent and bills. They want to pay for the new laptop I invested in and want to pay for anything they can. Why? I know I can't buy the best kitchen utensils and sometimes I have to partial pay my bills but who doesn't go through these things when they're young and starting out? I know many of you think, by now, that I'm spoiled and should just be thankful my parents want to help. Well, I am, I'm very thankful, but I'd appreciate it more if they'd do it without strings attached. Someday I'll write about "THE SOFA" which all my friends knew as the cursed sofa. My parents can't give without having ulterior motives, they want something in return, or expect something in return. Nothing is a selfless deed with these people it's all a way for them to have better control over me and my life. For example, the birthday they gave me that I describe in my post "My family". They buy me clothes so I'll look how they want me to look (control). Maybe this sounds crazy, my significant other thought so too, until he witnessed first hand the strings that my parents attach to ANYTHING. Those strings aren't just the kind that pull someone back in, so you can milk something out of them. These strings are marionette strings, they make me and anyone else a puppet to my parents. They buy me the sofa so when I tell them I don't go to church they can say, "we'll take the sofa away..." What am I? 12? They used to hold my car over my head as well. I've spent, in fact, a majority of my life trying to avoid getting caught in their web of strings. I made sure when we purchased my second car that it was in my name so there was no chance of, "you aren't going to church? then you get no car." I also took all of my school loans (all that the government would allow me to take anyway) under my name so that they couldn't even ask me or hassle me about my grades (even though I'm a 3.0 student). I've faced it and so should you, my parents would take my life away (if they could get away with it) and say "well we're what brought you here, you aren't going to church, you aren't going anywhere."

Posthumous Consciousness

2005-10-05T14:06:00.001-05:00

This consciousness offers not enough to continue posthumously.

For there to be an afterlife there must be some kind of posthumous event, that is, something must continue after death. How I see it, that something that must continue would seem to be one's consciousness. There are many philosophical debates as to whether or not the consciousness can continue, after the brain has ceased to function, for the idea is that the consciousness (our thoughts) come about through the processes of our brain. Yet we dream. When our mind is thought to be "unconscious" our consciousness continues to function, yet our brain hasn't ceased to function so dreaming proves nothing as to whether the consciousness can continue after the brain and body is dead. It's easy for me to imagine that the consciousness is powerful enough to continue without the functioning brain. If our mind is powerful enough to play tricks in the sense that we see delusions or think we hear things that aren't there or any of these 'mind of it's own' situations, it's easy to believe the consciousness has the power to continue posthumously. So my theories on heaven and hell are thus:

Scenario 1 - going to heaven:
Jamie believes wholeheartedly that she is going to heaven. She is a devout Christian and struggles with the religious convictions every day and repents when necessary and tries to follow the "straight and narrow." When Jamie dies one of two things may occur: 1) if her mind is in position to realize that she is (was) about to die, then it is in some way prepared, and thus knowing of her own death. Therefore, her consciousness, in her connecting death to heaven, comes to the point of, "I am to go to heaven." So the consciousness proceeds to imagine where this heaven is, and goes there, what this heaven is, and stays there. A kind of dream world where she is happy content and continues in paradise with no troubles or concerns. 2) Jamie's consciousness is asleep or in some way not aware that she is (was) dying, and therefore may return with enough energy in it's processing to create an image (ghost) or just an orb, in either case, Jamie's consciousness has not accepted it's fate of leaving this world, and therefore continues in this world until it realizes it is dead, in which case we MAY return to option 1 upon death, or the consciousness will never realize that the body has died and will remain a haunting spirit.

Scenario 2 - going to hell:
Trevor believes he is going to hell. His pastor, and clergy have mislead him so far that he is down right sure he's doomed. Treavor's consciousness, upon death, could in fact send him to hell. Like Jamie's sending her to what her mind believes to be heaven, Trevor's could seemingly send him to what he imagines hell to be like. However, Trevor's end is rather complicated by his knowledge of the concept of heaven, and he could surprise himself with optimism and send himself to heaven, saving himself in a way, or he could, like Jamie, not knowing that he's dead, continue as a haunting spirit.

Scenario 3 - and then there's me:
Dai does not believe in heaven or hell. She never forms a solid opinion on what happens upon death, and therefore is a fairly open mind to what may occur. Therefore, her situation of death is complex in that when her body dies, her consciousness may very well choose to not continue. But is this possible? She has concepts of heaven and hell, but not ever being realistically connected to death, her consciousness most likely will reject these notions. Will her continued consciousness remain ever focused on her memories of life? Maybe continue posthumously by consistently reliving past events of her life? Dai, however, has accepted certain theories of reincarnation. Could her consciousness continue by developing a new person, not necessarily a new 'real' person, but a new persona which her consciousness can continue through? What happens to Dai's consciousness?

I feel that my mind offers not enough solutions in order to continue posthumously.

They're enemies to wit!

2005-10-03T17:38:00.001-05:00

I wanted to talk about how horribly segregated I feel within a group of people I try to associate with but they always seem to go to great lengths to exclude me. I completely feel like the nerd in high school that everyone knew their name and who they were, while still doing everything they can to pretend the nerd doesn't exist. I'm beyond high school, and I thought this group was too. I guess I'll never be "cool" and will always be, well, this:

I read the wrong play for my British Drama from 1640 to 1800 class. I red the reconstruction play that involved a Rake and whores. That's every reconstruction play. People have always been dirty. Raunchy. That's the best word for these plays. I really enjoy them...Not like I'm suggesting they.. kill.. me... How horrible am I? Does all early English drama make me all coy and devilish? Nope. Not until I went to college.

I can't believe how really witty these people were, and I mean their witty and, WOW, was Pope right! Those romantics really didn't have wit. That's funny. I have this story that, some day, I'll get published. That, too, is funny. But these aren't witty. That's right, Alex wasn't witty when he declared the romantics 'enemies to wit', so to speak. He was funny, however. And anyone who knows what I'm talking about sees that this is a funny little joke by Pope. Wit is subtle humor. It's trickery of humor's good intentions. It's the ironic bandage covering the pain of sarcasm. Wit is the most sophisticated humor at the ball with the most elegant dress of all... Wit is not me as a poet when not knowing it.

You have to understand that I thoroughly thought I had read the right reconstruction play. We had read 6 plays in a row, following the order they were laid out in the book, so I continued, being the creature of habit that I am (human that is), and I read the play that followed the last one read. He skipped it. Why? Was the rake* in this one just not witty enough? Was the rake* who feigned being a eunuch more satisfying for my professor? Apparently.

People have always been dirty. They still subscribe to Playboy Magazine, watch TV shows about desperate housewives, and sometimes even desperate teenagers (youth never having been completely segregated from sexual innuendo, the Greeks?). It doesn't have to be sex, it can be content like these reconstruction plays. They're nothing more than today's romantic comedies. Pretty much the same amount of suggestive moments, comments or conversations. They're one in the same. Then you go further back and find small illustrations in the margins of religious texts. How old do you think Kama Sutra is? Real old.

Well, I've at least managed to prove that the Reconstruction society bore several gross similarities to our current society here in America. What happened to that society? It learned many, many new things about it's world and the workings therein. I, here, suggest that there is something waiting like a child for Christmas. Knowledge has roots that grow and branch with care. I don't suggest America, itself, will be at the center of this waiting child to teach us something new so that we can move on from this stagnant moment prior to birth. We're waiting as the east, as it watched the west grow by industry and pride. I feel the west will be the next to wait in line.

My intentions are not for this blog to be a place for me to rant and rave all my stupid musings that come to me throughout a day. I wanted to do this thing to let people into my world. I don't think it matters that much really, not like I'll make waves, but I thought that the people that misunderstand me the most might get something out of this that will tell them about me. I'm unfortunately sure that this group that I am feeling so much animosity from will eventually get over their pedestals and move on to bigger and larger columns.

Social standards... and sex.

2005-10-02T10:53:00.001-05:00

We live in a world of standards. There's so many, in fact, that it's hard for me to keep track. But they lie. Think about it: standards of clothes, standards of income, standards of social manners and actions, standards for when you do and when you don't act, when you do or when you don't speak, what you do or what you DON'T say. I find it hard to keep up. I say these standards lie, but I know that many people see them as more true than anything else. Those people have very little, that's important, that they strongly care about. But that's my assumption. I think people aren't the way they seem to be. Even in the study of astrology you have to find out a person's rising sign to reveal the person they present to the world, but it isn't who they really are. How horrible? My problem with all of this is that I don't feel like living a dual life, I want to be who I am, I want people to accept me. What gets me is that the people who, to me, seem most honest, that is, those who express themselves through appearances and speech and topics of interest everyday in an upfront, almost confrontational manner, these people are generally seen as dishonest, people cower from their green hair and gentle smile... I've been said to have a "stray dog" syndrome, in which my friends (to my parents and many others) seem to be "stray dogs" of society, the one's left behind, not cared about or for, and those just trying to live. These people, these stray dogs, are more interesting than any what my parents and many others would consider "normal people". What kind of world is this? I really can't keep track of all "these people" and their "types" and really get to know ANYONE. Besides all this, when you get down to it, there's so much more to our lives and to who we are than what we do for a living, how we dress during the weekdays and the smile we force ourselves to wear. The idea is that I struggle with worries of not being able to find a career, yet, most of my struggle isn't that I don't think I can do the jobs, or that I don't want to, it's that I don't want to have to dress like a grandma 5 days out of the week. What if the world were opposite? Imagine, all these sorority girls and fraternity boys running around trying to get a career wardrobe from HotTopic (an alternative clothing store). What a world it would be if the "normal" people had to dye their hair black just to get a job! Or if they had to frown constantly! Get a tattoo just to get a job. That's how I feel when I have to go buy $400 worth of "formal clothing" just to get a job. Do my clothes really mean jack when it comes to whether or not I can do the job? Apparently so.

And then I think about sex.
Come on, we all do it or think about it, wish for it or hope for it. And when it happens: we're all our casual selves I'm sure. I don't know that you can have sex without putting on a "casual face" so to speak. The whole event is rather disgusting and ... gooey! You have to be someone who can laugh at themselves to really understand the amazing thing that is sex. I'm entering into this topic daringly, as there is a chance I'm completely F'd up in my sex life, and am going about it completely differently than anyone else, but this is highly unlikely. Sex is Sex and it's very gross some times and yet we all want to act like it doesn't happen, or that it shouldn't or that it won't. Well it will. I found out the hard way that sex CAN just swoop in and surprise you, and it can swoop in and leave, come in and go, take what is wanted and doesn't look back. Sex can be ruining. However, sex can be warm and loving, soft and sensual, calming and relieving. Sex can be needed. But instead of recognizing all these, this casualness, this disgusting act, this ruining comfort, it's ignored. The very act that makes you and me and everyone else come about is held at such a lowly place that it can't even be praised as a sacred thing. And some would argue that it isn't held at a lowly place, but considered a sacred act which is why no one wants to talk about it... ? People are upset over teen pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and the like, yet they refuse to talk about the subject 85 to 95% of the time. WOW. I wish someone HAD told me more. I wish my mom had sat me down and said "look..." but instead, in my family, no one said the word, no one talked about it EVER, if there was a sex scene in a movie, we turned it off. No matter how prude my family is, what's the deal? I guess no one knows how to talk about it. Apparently no one can agree on what to say... even though we all know what it is, what it can be, and that it will be a part of our children's lives eventually.... Funny we race through life, striving to give our children educations and information that can help them be successful people in their adult lives, yet we give them virtually nothing about the one thing we can be 98% positive that they'll encounter at some point. No wonder so many girls are raped each year and don't tell a soul including their mothers... We've got them so scared to even speak of the generic act of sex that the most ruining and hurtful, damaging aspects dare never, ever be spoken of. Need I, at this point, start questioning the world these males are raised in that they'd be able to live with themselves after committing such a crime against a fellow human being. Although, I'd venture to say that many of the men might not even realize the girl feels she's been raped... or maybe they aren't willing to see it that way. Sex is what it is, people, and there's just no logic to pretending like it isn't happening, it won't happen or that our children will go, immediately, from a child to a consenting adult over night with all the knowledge they need... Especially if we're constantly withholding information. Sex isn't the only thing we don't talk about with our children. I'm not suggesting someone tries to explain sex to a 5 yr old, but we do have sex education classes, do we not? And those classes just explain the business but nothing else. This is where it goes, this is what goes there, this will happen to girls each month and that leads to the ability to have babies... OK so they got the gist of it... Why do our schools have to be the one's to explain this stuff anyway? As far as I know... our parents actually do have experience in the act, but dare we admit that? Oh hell no! My parents didn't have sex, NO WAY! Please. But that just leads me to a different topic of education, and that can be saved for another time. Parents should be raising their kids. Besides, so many Christians go to court trying to keep prayer in school and keep the Pledge of allegiance in school, but they leave the topic of sex so well enough alone, that they're fine and dandy with a woman who's a 35 year old abstaining virgin teach their children about sex... something she knows nothing about. HAH! Who the hell approves this? I think I'll go try to teach chemistry even though I've NEVER had a chemistry class! What's going on in our society?? **ending rant here**

Continuing thinking ahead...

2005-09-30T22:56:00.002-05:00

[2 of 2]

Anyway, the point is I think people spend too much time, FOR EXAMPLE, focusing on the "after life" to spend any time here. Seriously, many people aren't living life they're living a plan towards the afterlife they're running from this life and fleeing to something they have no proof of existence. I really don't understand this idea anymore. I used to, because there was a feeling, faith. I don't feel that feeling anymore. Faith, like love, is one of those indescribable feelings that everyone (most anyway) feel but can't exactly explain. Irrationality comes to mind, but only post-love/post-faith... You don't generally see the irrationality until you've left the state of mind and looked back on your motives and actions. I once dated a guy that could not understand why I couldn't explain why or what about him made me love him. No one said these things were easy to explain, well, no one but him... Back on topic, I think that getting wrapped up in depending on "God" to provide your needs and desires...prayers... some say it gives you extra strength, like a supernatural strength, well, fine, go with that and I hope it works out for ya. My father being a preacher, I can't understand him and his rationalizing skills anymore, but I'm sure he can't understand me either. I know my soul aches to tell my family how hard it is to live this life. When I was a "practicing Christian" I was mostly carefree because, "God would take care of it." I don't have that anymore. I can't imagine it anymore. Life's so much easier when you can rely on someone as powerful as the concept of "God" to make everything "Okay".

Whether or not it's working...

2005-09-30T20:27:00.002-05:00

[1 of 2]

I only made this thing as a test (no, I don't think I sound like I'm in denial). I named this neck of the web "AntiPosthumous" to keep me focused on what I think. You don't have to understand, I'm constantly misunderstood. For those too curious but too lazy to look up the word (even though I made it up I'm sure some dictionary.com would be helpful) I concocted it from my understanding of how I feel about spiritual life and what not. I'm anti posthumous: posthumous being a continuation beyond one's death ("a posthumous reward," dictionary.com), I guess I'd say I'm anti- some of that...

I hate to go out on limbs within the first moment upon the birth of this ranting parade, but I figure people can only rain on this thing after my ranting it so their efforts are for nigh. I am sick of people looking so far ahead. In fact, people seem to be so far ahead, in where they're looking, that they're always forgetting what's going on right now. No civilization has ever been able to realistically see its demise prior to the actual event... not quick enough or ahead enough, so the idea is that the clues of such a situation lie in the present and not in our hindsight. That's when laziness comes in, however. Preach all we want to one another, going to Heaven won't save your (grand)children from living a wretched existence left behind by us. Spending 30,000+ on a college education is for nothing if your existence does NOTHING to better future existences. I would never, to be sure, ever claim to be on top of recycling, giving to charity consistently or committing many "great deeds." To be continued...