Me and nightmares go way back. I've had chronic bad dreams since I was very little and they still have not ceased. I'm not talking about one a month or 6 a year, I'm talking every night. I'll go through spells where I'll have nothing but bad dreams for months on end. Then there's times like the last 4 months (a rare occasion) in which I've had maybe 1 or 2 nightmares.
I'm a fairly "grounded in reality" person. I didn't ever like SciFi genre's for a VERY long time because I couldn't imagine much outside my world. My dreams were no exception to my reality strickenness. My nightmares consist of THE most horrible thing that could happen in a normal day, occurring to me in my dream, but I don't realize I'm dreaming. In fact, I never realize I'm dreaming, I always, actually, believe that what's happening in my dream is so real that I've woken up on several occasions confused as to why I am where I am. The kinds of things that will happen in my dream are scenarios such as I'm going to pay my bills, I get a flat tire, run over a child, and am punished to THE fullest extent of the law. Yet, that scenario even seems too far fetched. How about, my mother dies. In fact, my mother has died, been killed, taken away (by kidnappers and law enforcement) more times than any other reoccurring nightmare I've had. When I was young I would dream of her dying and me being left behind with my father (my ultimate nightmare). Today the dream is that my mother dies and the only person left to help my father is me. As one of my earlier posts expressed, I have some "family issues". Well, my issues have been coming back to haunt me in my dreams my entire life, and this last week was no exception.
I frequently have reoccurring dreams. Ones that follow two paths: 1) they repeat themselves twice a week to daily depending on how troubled I am by the dream or 2) they continue, like a story, starting at the beginning of a week (month) and throughout the period of time that they continue the story will play itself out. The particular reoccurring dream I've had recently is actually very troubling for me, and is following both paths. It started with my parents calling me consistently to nag me about how they think I need to get a different apartment. Now, my apartment is small, old and impossible to keep clean because it's falling apart, but it's sooo cheap and sooo close to campus that I can't imagine being able to afford anything else with such a great location and with the storage that this apt has. My parents don't seem to get that, they say they'll pay for it if they have to, when will they stop trying to pay for everything? So my first dream follows as thus:
I'm with my parents and my brother and his wife, and we're looking at apartments. Well after much aggravation that is rising in me because I just can't seem to communicate with my parents civilly, or rationally, I start to feel something in my throat. I can't understand what it is, in my dream I'm trying not to panic and my family is STILL nagging me, and I'm choking... I'm poking my finger down my throat desperate to get whatever is stuck, OUT! I'm leaning over a porch choking, gagging, heaving, throwing up and crying in my dream (I'm lucky I didn't do all this in my sleep, talk about asphyxiating on your own vomit). All the time I'm struggling with whatever is stuck in my throat my parents continue to hassle me to get a different apartment, they pause to ask if I'm okay but not long enough to find out. They don't care, and I'm choking.
So the dream comes back to haunt me a second night, a week later, this time it's changed in situation, but the choking is worse. This time the dream comes with an accompaniment of other bad dreams. One after the other I fall asleep, have a nightmare, wake up hot and on the verge of tears, I fall asleep, dream another bad dream, wake up again on the verge of tears, and then the reoccurring dream comes. This time around I have no idea what my parents are nagging me about, I can't remember, but the choking is very painful. I can feel it like there's a clamp on my esophagus and I can't make it stop. Once again I'm bent over gagging, heaving and crying and they're nagging, nagging, nagging. I can't make them or the choking stop. I'm not losing air, I can breathe fine, but there's this aching in my throat like when you need to cry but hold it back. It just burns so bad. I can't make either one stop! The first time I had the dream I really couldn't figure out what was going on or why I had the dream. What'd it mean? But this time I come with a theory that I've got something to say but can't say it. What it is I want to say, I have no idea, seeing that I've already told them about my faith/God issues (my father being a preacher this was a BIG step). What do I need to tell them?
I know I wish they'd stop trying to pay for everything. They're constantly wanting to buy me clothes and house stuff. They want to pay my rent and bills. They want to pay for the new laptop I invested in and want to pay for anything they can. Why? I know I can't buy the best kitchen utensils and sometimes I have to partial pay my bills but who doesn't go through these things when they're young and starting out? I know many of you think, by now, that I'm spoiled and should just be thankful my parents want to help. Well, I am, I'm very thankful, but I'd appreciate it more if they'd do it without strings attached. Someday I'll write about "THE SOFA" which all my friends knew as the cursed sofa. My parents can't give without having ulterior motives, they want something in return, or expect something in return. Nothing is a selfless deed with these people it's all a way for them to have better control over me and my life. For example, the birthday they gave me that I describe in my post "My family". They buy me clothes so I'll look how they want me to look (control). Maybe this sounds crazy, my significant other thought so too, until he witnessed first hand the strings that my parents attach to ANYTHING. Those strings aren't just the kind that pull someone back in, so you can milk something out of them. These strings are marionette strings, they make me and anyone else a puppet to my parents. They buy me the sofa so when I tell them I don't go to church they can say, "we'll take the sofa away..." What am I? 12? They used to hold my car over my head as well. I've spent, in fact, a majority of my life trying to avoid getting caught in their web of strings. I made sure when we purchased my second car that it was in my name so there was no chance of, "you aren't going to church? then you get no car." I also took all of my school loans (all that the government would allow me to take anyway) under my name so that they couldn't even ask me or hassle me about my grades (even though I'm a 3.0 student). I've faced it and so should you, my parents would take my life away (if they could get away with it) and say "well we're what brought you here, you aren't going to church, you aren't going anywhere."
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